Fuck this shit

I should be ashamed of my behavior.
I’m not. But I should be.

Some days are better than others
Today is not one of them

You are exactly where you are supposed to be  Because you make terrible decisions

It’s okay if you aren’t where you wanted to be by now  No one expected you to make it even this far

I prefer not to think before speaking
I like being just as surprised as anyone else by what comes out of my mouth

I don't always have time
to fold laundry.
But when I do I don't. 

Time really flies
when life is falling apart

A day without coffee is like...
Just kidding, I have no idea.

Don't let the lack of knowledge get in the way of your confident conclusions

How to stab stranger who talk to you

It is not my job to compensate for the fact that you haven't
hired enough people

Just because you haven't found the right person yet doesn't mean you will

Stop thinking that you are ugly.
You are, but stop thinking about it.

Today my tolerance at work for idiots
are extremely low

In reality I'm quite shy
But I'm so rarely there

I’m not always sarcastic
Sometimes I’m sleeping

Don't forget to ignore lame shit today
It's not worth it

I have tested my patience and
it is undoubtedly lousy

I am not a "glass half full" type of person I am a "where did I put my glass" kind of person

Oh well, I guess it's time
to make some really bad decisions

I can only please one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow doesn't look good either. 

When you are having a bad day
Don't forget that you are ugly too

Is it rude to toss a xanax in someones mouth while they are talking 

When I'm disappointed because I haven't done anything on my bucket list. I change the B to an F
and feel so much better

There is sex without love.
There is love without sex.
There is me without both. 

People I want to punch in the face

Life is a disappointment just like you

Life is full of disappointments
and setbacks

It would be so great to
meet up some day.
Yes, but unfortunately
I’m not available at that time.

I hate when people say
"act like an adult"
Have you seen adults lately?
That's a horrible advice.

I am: kind of weird not gonna lie

I had a lot of stuff to do today
Now I have a lot of stuff to
do tomorrow

My body is just a filter
Coffee goes in sarcasm comes out

Go to hell
I'll be right there

Not to flex but I'm probably
better than you
at making bad decisions 

Don't need any social skills
If you have no social life

If you can read this you are too close

Save water drink champagne

Don't worry
Nothing is really under control

I don't have enough middle fingers
for today 

I am who I am
Your approval is not needed

In memory of when I gave a fuck

I use pepper spray
to cry myself to sleep

My age is very inappropriate
for my behavior

Keep rolling your eyes
Maybe you will find a brain back there

It's important to get out once and a while to remind yourself
why you don't go out

List of people I hate
- Everyone

Maybe your final stage of healing
is telling folks to fuck off

We are all brave until we realize
the cockroach has wings

Zombies eat brains
You're safe